My summertime hit single “Nothing’s Gonna Last” made here at my desk with guitar and laptop.
My version of an X song. D.J. Bonebrake told me he liked it.
Please take a few moments to fill out our survey, so that we may better serve other souls who are about to embark on the journey of human life.
S.S. # _____ - ___ - _____
1. What was your main impression of planet Earth?
(a) A beautiful, awe-inspiring eco-sphere.
(b) Too windy.
(c) I lived in New Jersey.
2. “If I had to do it all over again, I would have…”
(a) “…taken more time to enjoy simple things.”
(b) “…punched that guy.”
(c) “…had more sex.”
3. What, if anything, did you find confusing about your time on Earth?
(a) The purpose of life.
(b) The suffering.
(c) James Franco.
4. Which of the following best describes your experience of having a body?
(a) A useful vehicle for sensing the physical environment.
(b) A bit cumbersome.
(c) Didn’t care for the eating/excreting setup.
5. How did you regard the recent digital revolution?
(a) It significantly increased my productivity.
(b) Total time-suck.
6. Which of the following best sums up your attitude toward Earth’s various animals?
(a) They were wonderful to contemplate.
(b) I envied them.
(c) They were tasty.
7. How did you feel about the Holy Bible?
(a) It strengthened me in times of need.
(b) I believed it until now.
(c) tl; dr
8. What did you find frustrating about life?
(a) Not much, actually.
(b) The constant grind.
(c) Finding a cab after a show.
9. What disappointed you?
(a) Humankind’s propensity for violence.
(b) The corruption of governments worldwide.
(c) The Mets.
10. What advice would you give others soon to experience human life?
(a) Never give up hope.
(b) Try to have a sense of humor.
(c) Get born rich.
11. Did you watch “Breaking Bad” and “The Wire”?
12. If you selected (b) for the previous question, please elaborate in the space provided.
The Fate of the Earth
The following is a transcript (translated into English) of an audio file documenting a meeting of the… let’s call it the “Interplanetary Council,” since the actual name is so hard to render into any language spoken by human beings.
I have taken the liberty of replacing the names of the participants with those familiar to English speakers. The real name of “Linda,” for instance,
Check the Time. Bob Dylan, Steve Martin, Britney Spears, Steve Miller, Elvis Presley, Björk, Davey Jones, and Guided By Voices meet the Beatles.
Is There a Beat Generation? A mashup I made in which Jack Kerouach meets Beck, Bjork, the Breeders, The Temptations, Wilco, Miles Davis, et. al. “Don’t comb your hair!”
Dinner at Og’s
It was 10,000 B.C. On what is now Manhattan, a powefully built man named Og stood over a large boar—actually, a peccary.
He had killed the beast after much effort. The blood on his spear’s chert-stone tip was the same as the blood gushing out of the creature’s neck.
Just then Og heard a stirring in the bushes. He turned around, on his guard. Through the vegetation came someone who was known to Og. It was a skinny man called Ak.
Ak looked at Og with an expression that seemed to say, “Nice peccary.” Then Ak’s expression softened, as if to say, “I have had no hunting luck this morning.”
Reverse Crank Call #6 (The Con Edison Bill). Who is responsible for the Con Edison bill?
Reverse Crank Call #5 (Amish Country Gazebos)
Reverse Crank Call #4 (My Name Is Megan). Megan has an offer. I am not really that interested.
Reverse Crank Call #3 (Diner’s Club). A man calls with a credit-card offer. Another man hits record.
Reverse Crank Call #2 (White Teeth!). A new dentist has an offer. Then Grandma gets on the phone.
Reverse Crank Call #1 (Central Research). Remember, you called me.
Dylan’s Last Hit
Oh I would guess it was some time in 1971. Bob Dylan was driving around, somewhere in Arizona, on those twisting roads. He had been out of touch a while and he heard it on the car radio, “Heart of Gold,” the Neil Young song, a big hit single from all those years ago, and if I remember the story right, Bob Dylan had to pull over, because the song affected him so strongly. In a way, it got on his nerves. It seemed like a ripoff. “Shit, that’s me.” But he also rebuked himself when he heard it – “If it sounds like me, it should be me” – because it was now clear and stark, to him, how far he had drifted from the path.
I can only laugh when people hate the hit single. Give me Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” over “Scentless Apprentice.” But you want to prove your love to a band or an author and so you decide, “I hate the hit.” There are Charles Portis fans who deny the greatness of “True Grit” merely for the